Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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