i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
