I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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