So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
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