Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
