I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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