Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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