I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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