You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
This is the prime rib incident all over again
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
