I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
