My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
