i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
