oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
