I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
