and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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