Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
