shes about as inviting as chlamydia
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Boobs are out for the taking
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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