he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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