Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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