The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
