I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
