why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize