I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
What a dumb baby whore.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
