My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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