i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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