I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
