Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
