No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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