Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
