Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Buhtt sex?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize