I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
