There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
