there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she told me i tasted like america
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
