drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Did I show you my penis last night?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
