Just fell off a train. Bad.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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