This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
