A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
That's when you crack a 10am beer
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize