i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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