I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
