There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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