I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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