Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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