Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
