There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
it's like iHOP with fire
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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