Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
