a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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