Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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