I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
