The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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