So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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