Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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