I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
