there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
