Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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