She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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