I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Randomize
