my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
