I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I love how my cats smell like pot.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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