so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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