u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
