hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
