my mouth tastes like poor choices
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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