when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
