The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
